My Dirty Little Secret

If you’ve ever tried to open yourself up to total strangers then you know what a struggle it can be. How much do you share? What information is actually beneficial?

This is my attempt at being vulnerable in order to foster a stepmom community willing to share their own painful and joyful stories and walk alongside each other in this messy blended family life.

Someone out there may be drowning right now and all she needs is to be seen and heard. Throw out that life preserver!

I will go first.

First, I have a huge confession to make and it is not an easy one for me. This is not my first attempt at a blended family. My first attempt failed! Having been raised in a conservative Christian home- divorce was not something you did - certainly not twice! I feel ashamed and have worked hard to leave that dirty little secret back in Alabama.

As uncomfortable as it is, my past life can't continue to be tucked neatly away in the closet. We are a product of our past, the good, bad and the ugly. If I am going to be real ... then let's be real!

I met and married Kevin while we were both attending a Christian liberal arts college in Georgia. (We were babies! Barely out of our teens!) We had three beautiful children together in the nine years that we were married. Our divorce was not sunshine and roses, but it was not a horror story either. In the end, we agreed to joint-custody although the children lived with me. Kevin was active duty military and even when stationed in the United States, he wasn’t always in the same state with the children and me.

After struggling about two years as a single mother, I married my second husband, whom we will call Rick. Boy, did we make a ton of mistakes in that first attempt at living blended. I can honestly say that most of my mistakes came from sheer naivete and just plain trying too hard. I had no idea what I was doing! When Rick and I were married, my kids were 10, 6 and 4 and his were 9 and 3. Looking back, I feel like we did just about everything possible from the get-go to sabotage any chances of successfully blending our two families.

In my opinion, we did the dating part right. We slowly and cautiously introduced each other to our children and then we introduced the kids to each other. From that point on, we seemed to make one wrong move after another.

We failed to include our children in our wedding ceremony. Then we all moved into the three bedroom house he and his kids established with their mom. Rather than moving people around, we left his kids in their rooms and pushed my three into whatever corner we could make work. (For my boys, that meant putting bunk beds into the formal dining room.) I focused on building relationships with his children to the detriment of my relationship with my biological children. Then like a nice little cherry on top, we turned our home into a child-centered home.

Our relationship was never the priority, not even in the beginning, and after ten years of marriage fraught with one problem after another, we finally threw in the towel. None of us walked away unscathed, but the kids were left with the most scars.

Looking back, there were opportunities early on for redemption, we just weren’t paying attention. I learned a lot from that painful experience and would love to help expose those warning signs for others - preferably before you find yourself sitting across the desk from a divorce attorney.

My current family - my forever family- is a story filled with hope and grace that I am excited to share with you. As the weeks go on, I plan to share more about how Dane and I have dealt with very hard issues and hopefully offer some laughter and some encouragement.

I'll never forget what my dad said to Dane in our early days together. You see, my parents' love for Dane, didn't make it any less difficult for them to witness the death of my two previous marriages. My dad said, "this is not the way I would have written the story of my daughter's life. However, I am not the author. All I can do is turn the page and begin to read this next chapter."

How beautifully said! None of wanted the pain and brokenness that brought us to this place - but let's turn the page now.

Until next time: Step Gracefully!