Is Divorce in Your Future?

According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, January is one of the busiest times for family law firms, with divorce filings increasing in January and peaking in March.

This is likely due to the holidays. Those who have decided to file for divorce often try to wait and make it through the holidays. Those who are on the fence, are often pushed over the ledge due to the enormous stress that the holidays can bring, especially on a stepfamily.

Remember that 60% of stepfamilies with children end in divorce. That percent is even higher when both the husband and wife bring kids into the blended family.

If you are even considering divorce here are a few important tips I have for you:

Wait … give yourself EVERY opportunity for healing in your marriage. Avoid divorce at all costs if it is within your power to do so.

You may be asking, "HOW?!"

An entire post could be dedicated and should be dedicated to that question, but for now this will have to suffice.

Search your own heart and soul. Are you the one wanting the divorce? If so, why?

Are you or your children in imminent danger? Do you feel unloved or unappreciated? Do you think there is someone out there better than the man you married?

I am not a counseling professional, or a theologian, but I do sadly come to the table with years of experience on the topic of divorce.

If you truly believe that you and your children are in physical danger, get out and get the police involved. If you don't think it's worth involving the police, I would question how strongly you believe you are in danger.

If you feel unloved and unappreciated – check your expectations at the door. That is not a good reason to file for divorce. The process of divorce will do anything but make you feel any more loved or appreciated.

Regardless of your spouse’s love for you, if you have unrealistic expectations or put the responsibility of your feelings on him, he will fail you.

Before you call an attorney, call your pastor or a counselor. Once you have had a chance to meet with them a couple of times, encourage your spouse to join you and begin the process of healing.

Yes, there may be someone out there better but there isn't a knight in shining armor riding around on his white horse searching for you. You know that is true.

Working on your current relationship, with a person you have history with will be much easier and more rewarding than the clean slate you think is out there. As a divorced woman, (especially for one with children) there is no clean slate. You bring extra baggage with you even if your new man doesn't appear to have any of his own.

Often times, you may see a man at work, or church, or at little league who catches your eye. He seems so great doesn’t he! Kind, thoughtful, respectful, and he may even seem like a loving dad. Maybe he complements you and notices when you change your hair. I have news for you. There are women out there who look at your husband that same way! Besides, we aren’t really naive enough to think we know what a man is like behind closed doors just because he puts off a good image in public. Don’t we all put our best foot forward in public?

The damage that divorce brings to you and to your children, and even your family and friends, is more devastating than you can even begin to imagine. There is a ripple effect that never seems to end with divorce. It's like throwing a pebble into the middle of a pond, only the pond has no edges - and the ripple continues for generation after generation.

I can’t state this emphatically enough … if it is within your power, wherever you may be in the divorce process, don’t give up yet! Work toward healing for everyone's sake.

If divorce is inevitable, here are a few tips I have for you:

1. Engage a really good divorce attorney.

You get what you pay for and if you go cheap, you will end up paying the price for the rest of your life. I have seen too many instances where a mediocre divorce attorney harmed his client and the children out of sheer laziness or lack of knowledge.

The best way to find a good divorce attorney is through word of mouth. You have friends who are acquainted firsthand with a divorce attorney. Ask them about their experience. If they got a bad deal in their divorce, find out who represented their ex-spouse.

Don’t use a family member or friend as your attorney. It may seem like a great plan, but it will be hard or impossible to fire them or to push them if needed. Besides, do you really want them to see and hear every accusation your spouse makes against you, even if some of those are totally fabricated. Just don’t.

The local bar association is another good place to get recommendations. Do your research. Don't be in huge hurry - go to a few free consultations and feel out the situation. Ask tough questions, this is your life and the life of your children you are putting in his or her hands.

If the attorney is sugary sweet, run! You don't need a sweet attorney, you need a tough one. That may mean that they are a little tough on you too. It's worth it! You aren't interviewing for a best friend, you are interviewing for a bulldog to fight for you and for your children.

When I went through the divorce with my children's father, I wanted to be all nice and kind and I will never forget how my attorney reacted. He got angry when I didn't want to ask for the child support that was calculated as well as health insurance and help with medical bills etc.

At the time, I felt like the child support was enough. He told me that I was being selfish.

WHAT? I thought I was being the opposite of selfish.

He said that the money was not for me but for my children and they should have good medical care and clothes and have the opportunities that other children have. That was the perspective I needed.

2. Go ahead and get all that you can in writing.

Yes, go for anything and everything that your attorney suggests. Some of that will be used as bargaining chips. What you are left with are guidelines in the best situations and law in the worst cases.

Child support is a calculation, you shouldn't have any input in that amount. You don't HAVE to make him pay half of the kids’ school clothes if you don't need him to do that - but you will be glad you have that in writing if he becomes difficult.

I really have too much to say on this subject for this post. Watch for an upcoming detailed post on Divorce and Custody Agreements.

Kevin and I did a pretty good job co-parenting our children through the years. I wouldn't say it was great, or without rough patches. All in all, we did a very good job when it came to working together for the sake of the kids.

In the post on Divorce and Custody Agreements, I will share a few examples of how Kevin and I worked together regardless of what the papers said. I will also share some examples from Dane’s situation of how bad things can go when you aren’t able to work together and how to prepare for the worst.

For many of you, there is just no working together at all and you have to rely completely on those papers. Go ahead and let your attorney do what you pay him or her to do - fight for your best interests and the interests the children involved.

3. Depending on the age of the children, allow them to give their input.

That just got your attention and probably made you a little defensive.

Why wouldn't you allow them to have a little say in things that pertain to them?

Dane and I had some rough court battles with his ex-wife over the custody of the children. I wish I could get into that more today, but I will in a later post.

There were things she insisted on that were completely against the intent and spirit of the divorce decree and against the wishes of the boys.

When you are attempting to make drastic changes that affect the current custody arrangement - you should involve the children (age-appropriate input of course) in that decision. A lot of heartache can be avoided if both parents are willing to put their own agendas and desires on the back burner.

Remember, divorce is a war that leaves all those involved wounded. It ripples out to our family and friends.

Sign a peace treaty if possible! In a case where you have no other choice, get a good tough attorney to represent you. Finally, take the time to listen to your children through the process. Listening doesn’t mean that you will allow the children to make major decision, it merely means that you hear them and take them into consideration. This also allows you the opportunity to share the reasons behind your decisions when appropriate.

Until next time, step gracefully!